Girls, I need your opinion on something. Guys, feel free to comment as well!
I've been talking to this guy online (we met on another site, not CDFF) for about three weeks. When he first contacted me, I was hesitant to communicate with him because of a few minor red flags in his profile (no dealbreakers, just stuff that made me go "huh?" and look quizzical). He lives about 6 hours away, so that also is a bit of an issue for me. Anyway, long story short, I decided to give him a chance, and the first couple weeks of communication were surprisingly good. For the past week, though, I've had an uneasy feeling about things. None of them are flat-out dealbreakers, but here are a few of the things that concern me.
1) He'd told me that trips to GA weren't really possible for him because of finances, but that he was planning to move to GA within a year. (I say: So...he can move here, but he can't visit here?)
2) He said that he was specifically looking for a girl who lived at least several hours away from him because he had no desire to marry someone local...he wants to move away from that area as soon as possible. (I say: Um, I don't want to be his ticket out of town.)
3) He admitted that he has no close friends, has a few friends who live far away, and has only a very few acquaintances nearby. (I say: Well, I noticed that he isn't smiling in any of his profile pictures...maybe he's not a friendly person?)
4) I've sensed some bitterness in a few of his emails...like he wants to blame others for some of the "problems" with his life. (I say: Why does he have to prove that nothing is his fault by pointing fingers at others?)
5) He's already talking about our future together...yet he hasn't even mentioned moving off-site so that we can continue to talk via personal email...and I'm honestly not sure right now if I'd be comfortable giving him my email address if he DID ask! (I say: He shouldn't talk about our future together until he's at least told me his last name!)
6) A few times, I took longer than normal to answer a message, and more than once he's sent a second message as if he's trying to remind me that he's waiting for a response. (I say: I have a full-time job and 2 part-time jobs, and an actual, real, not-online life! If I take 24 hours to answer his message, he needs to learn to deal with it!)
Am I being paranoid and over-analyzing this (as I often tend to do)? Or do you think I have legitimate reasons to feel uneasy? Like I said, these aren't really dealbreakers, just concerns. If I need to end communication, I need to do so before either of us get emotionally invested in the online "relationship." Right now, I'm at the point where I cringe when I see that I have yet another message from him.
On a positive note, there are a couple guys (one in particular) that I'm communicating with whose emails are greatly enjoyed and anticipated!
1) It may be that he can�t afford to visit because he is saving up his money to move. It�s one or the other, but not both. I ran into that situation when I moved to Texas.
2) He may not want to marry someone local because he might feel tied to that location, and he wants to move away.
3) All of my friends have moved away, and I am not good a meeting new people, so I don�t have any friends that live close to me. With the internet it is easy to keep up with friends that have moved away.
5) That is moving things along a little too fast to already be talking about a future together. I tend to be analytical and try to see how someone could fit into my life, what things we have in common and how we could work together. But, I don�t start making plans this early.
6) Sounds like someone who really needs a friend. I have been without a close friend for over 20 years, so I know what it is like. It�s a lot like a man who has been lost in the desert and is dying of thirst. When you finally get some water, all you want to do is drink it all in at once. He does need to try and relax a little. I can have a hard time waiting for a response myself. If you continue to contact him, just remember that he will need plenty of attention.
Sounds to me like he is someone who has a hard time making and keeping friends. The real question is, is he just a self-centered jerk, or is he someone like me who has a difficulty understanding how to make friends. I have a very hard time making friends, but very little difficulty keeping them.
If you have other options, then you might want to go with them. Or, you could tell the guy that you would prefer to wait until he has moved into the area before you continue the relationship. Tell him that once he has moved, if you are still available, you will consider starting up again.
I'm with cobbler on the first point. He might not make enough to afford trips for 6 hours each way to go visit you, plus the night in the hotel, but enough that he can save and is planning to move to GA soon. Lord knows I can barely afford to drive to/from campus for college, let alone vacations, but yet I do find ways to pocket away some $25-50 a month for saving up for when I graduate college.
The thing about not wanting to date anyone close to him...that's just silly. I live in a pretty populated area, actually the most densely populated county south of Manhattan. Even though I don't date women even rarely, I know there's something like 200,000 women I have never met in my county alone, not to mention the people that live between 30-60 minutes away.
The no close friends thing to me is a red flag. If he has a couple REALLY close friends, and a few friends-with a fair amount of acquaintances that's normal. But to have no close relationships, and very, very few 'friends' at all? That shows a lack of social aptitude/openness. Red flag for me.
People would blame others for their problems when they could have done something to avoid or solve it just plain aren't mature enough to handle 'life.' At least take responsibility for what you say and do, ya know?
3 weeks and talking about marriage and kids? Not that it's unheard of, but most people, (i.e. 99.9% of people) will find that is extraordinarily clingy. I've only met two couples who had a, "Hi, I'm ___. I'm going to marry you in a few months" type relationship. One is my old college pastor in Orlando, the other is my friend Jess, who met her fiancee at her cousin's wedding.
Sending a second message when you don't reply to #1 immediately, or within a few hours? Sounds like he has an emotional cling problem.
All in all, I'd say, while it isn't necessarily a deal breaker, sounds like he's a pretty quiet (possibly mean as you said), introverted, clingy guy. Some girls like that. I think he's looking to you to make him happy and feel complete, because he can't get that feeling on his own from God.
Thanks Cobbler. You sort of said what I've been trying to tell myself...pointing out all the positive possibilities for what seem to be negative things. I'm all for giving a guy a chance, but it seems like the longer we communicate, more negative than positive is coming out...and that's not what I hoped would happen!
Maybe I should also mention that he is 36, and wants to be a pastor. He hinted that one reason he is looking for a wife (and this could explain why he seems to want to move fast) is because most churches won't hire a single pastor...which is understandable.
The only real issue is learning to trust your instincts, my sister. If you have some 'paranoid' instincts, hone those to submit them to Christ, but otherwise if you are generally cringing at the receipt of his emails, that is an indicator of your instinct rebelling (assuming you don't always cringe when someone starts getting close!).
I think any one of those flags are just that, but combined they paint a picture of somebody who is emotionally immature, including the latching on inappropriately soon, and blaming others for when he is hurt. This would indicate an unawareness of his own affect on relationships (unlike Cobbler who is very aware!). This does not a good partner make; so why get close?
I like Cobbler's "cooling off time" type of easy rejection.
And as always, pray for him. Satan knows his weak spots and plays with him to keep him stuck there, and ineffective for the kingdom!:boxing:
And hardest advice of all (and if I ever get this right I'll let you know!)... get the question out of your head, "Could this be THE one??" The fantasy of love ruins the reality of love.
Trust in the Lord with the matters of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, but in all your communication and life-planning, look to Him and He will direct your path!
Nickel, you said "I think he's looking to you to make him happy and feel complete, because he can't get that feeling on his own from God." Yes, that's sort of the sense I'm getting as well. As for him being emotionally clingy, I'm not sure if that's it, but I think it's possible...and I'm not an emotionally clingy person, so I doubt we would get along well in person if he is. Thanks for commenting!
I can understand his frustration of wanting to have a wife to make it easier to get a job as a pastor. Too many people think that if you are not married it is because you do not want to take on responsibility, and who wants to take on an irresponsible pastor. There is also the issue with him having to work closely or counsel women in the church, and not having a wife to come home to can really cause problem. Many single pastors have fallen because of this issue. It really does help to have a good supporting wife when you are a pastor.
That being said, he is starting to sound a bit like everyone�s not so favorite character, Mr. Collins. While understand his need to find a wife so that he can become a pastor, that should not be his driving force behind finding someone. While I am desperate for a close friend, I am not going to marry just anyone just so that I won�t be alone. I think his desire to find a wife so that he can become a pastor is driving him to already talk about future marriage. That�s not exactly a good reason to get married.
One thing to think about if you do continue the relationship with him, do you want to be a pastor�s wife. Whether you want to or not, you will be pushed into the ministry, because the church will expect you to get involved.
I've thought and prayed a lot about being a pastor's wife. There is definitely some hesitation there, because I'm not sure I'm qualified for that role. However, over the past few months (starting last summer, perhaps), I've felt more at-peace about it. God would definitely be taking me out of my comfort zone, but if He does that, I'm sure He'll also give me the strength to do His will!
If you are adventurous, and want to give him a chance, then you might want to explain some of your concerns with him. Explain to him that he seems to come across as very clingy, and you feel like he is putting the cart before the horse. Make sure that you are saying that this is how you are perceiving him, and don�t come across in an accusatory tone. If he is bitter, then he will start accusing you of not giving him a chance, and you will know not to continue. But, if he is like me, he will want to know how he can make you feel more at ease. He may not realize that he is making you uncomfortable.
