Nutshell version: I am torn between two girls. One my current best friend of 6 years and my former best friend since high school who has recently reentered my life. Right now the plan is to keep exploring the potential with my current best friend and see where that leads. The point of his thread is to get some outside input and perspective. For the details read the longer version below!
Recently I have been exploring the possibility of a relationship with my close friend of six years. For a variety of reasons, circumstances we have never considered the possibility of something more until now (at least I haven't). We haven't had the full "talk" yet but over the past several weeks so we have gone out on casual dates (to be distinguished from hanging out as simply friends). I am still not completely sure about her feelings though there have been signs of mutual interest. I have been planning on having the full "talk" with her soon because things have been going well although we both keep very busy. She is incredibly intelligent, beautiful, and most importantly a godly woman. She is pretty much everything I look for in a girl.
However things have become more complicated for me emotionally speaking. My former best friend from high school messaged me out of the blue back in April (See my "Reconciliation" topic in this section). About two years ago we had a falling out. We both were showing signs of mutual attraction beyond friendship and I decided to make a move. She responded cautiously but positively.
Things ended abruptly before they ever really got off the ground less than a week later. She got cold feet and started pushing me away. She said a lot of hurtful things and would twist everything I said as I tried to get to the heart of the problem. I could not reason with her so eventually I just had to let her go and it has been almost 2 years since we last spoke which brings us up to this April where she messaged me.
At first the dialogue was very awkward, I was very wary of her intentions. Eventually we started to reconnect and it seemed her intentions were pure. We always had this very natural chemistry between us and we are beginning to interact, laugh, and discuss things like nothing ever happened. I am still being very cautious, taking great pains to guard my heart.
Most recently she said that she had been so "stupid" because she had everything she had ever wanted/needed in a guy from her best friend (me) but she ruined her chances by being scared and running away from the relationship (she has had a lot of trust and commitment issues from past relationships and friends etc.). She said that not a day has gone by where she has not regretted what happened and misses me a lot.
I was very surprised to hear her admit all that, and it seems like she may have matured and resolved a lot of those trust/commitment issues. My mind says it is a more than a little too late, but my heart wonders at what could have been and fears I may regret never giving her that second chance.
It is amazing how fast old feelings long forgotten can suddenly resurface. Before she had messaged me I had completely moved on and felt I was finally ready to invest in a new serious relationship but now she is back and is causing me all sorts of confusion between my new love and my old love where I have both strong feelings and genuine unconditional love for each of them.
Both have almost every quality I look for in a woman, but neither has "everything" I look for. I don't expect to find a perfect woman out there, we all have our flaws but these two are the closest by far.
The purpose of this thread is not to do a line by line pro/con comparison of the two (although it may have to come to that), but for me to seek some general advice, input, and outside perspective on the situation.
Right now the plan is to continue to explore the relationship with my current best friend and to find out her exact feelings about the possibility of a relationship before I make any decisions concerning my ex.
It sounds like the girl in your "Reconciliation" post is very different from the girl you seem to be talking to now. People don't change, unless their heart is changed by the Lord, and they are being sanctified. If your ex isn't being changed by the Lord, there's always that small possibility she really hasn't changed.
When people see what they want before them, they will most often say things to get it. And while she wants you now, you should ask her if she really means all this, and delve into further questioning. Ask her questions about her walk with the Lord, maybe, and why she wants to start a relationship with you now. Just make sure to give grace.
If it was me, I'd more want to see what the new relationship would be like, usually when something doesn't work out with someone, there's reasons, and sometimes we don't see all of them at first.
Want to hear an interesting prayer? You could ask the Lord to open and close doors for you, to make decisions for you that you can't make and see what happens.
I've never been in a similar situation, so I'm probably not a good person to be giving advice...but here goes nothin'!
I think you should go ahead and have that "talk" with your current best friend and find out if she is actually interested in a relationship. She might say no, and that would leave you completely free to see where things might go with the other girl. Since you are already sort of casually dating the current best friend, I don't see any reason to "dump" her and go running off to someone who has been out of your life for two years. Who has stood by you for the past two years? Who has kept up with your life during that time? Who has more recently had a larger part in making you who you are right now? The current best friend.
You should, however, be honest with the former friend. Tell her that you are casually dating someone, so that she doesn't assume that she can just step right back in and pick up where she left off. And if you decide to seriously date your current best friend, you need to make that clear to this former friend.
I think I probably just restated what you said you are planning to do...but maybe I gave it a girl's perspective!
Good luck, and think about it this way...at least you have a choice. Some of us don't have a choice at all, and would love to have just ONE person interested in dating us. :rolleyes:
I think you are right, there are definitely a lot of questions I really want and need to be answered before I even think about another attempt at a relationship with my ex ("B"). I'll probably be spreading them out through our conversations, I don't really want it to sound like an interrogation! haha
And that is an interesting prayer, it is one I have been praying a lot lately especially since I am coming up on my last year of law school. There are tons of life altering decisions heading my way in terms of my relationships and my career and it certainly helps when God closes some doors as He already has this summer!
Bcpianogal,
It would definitely be quite a while before I seriously considered entering a relationship with B. Becoming friends with your ex is one thing but jumping back into a relationship is quite another especially considering how bad things ended. When I think about the two choices I am thinking more long term, any possibility of choosing B assumes I am confident that she has changed and that she is really ready for a real and serious relationship and more likely assumes that the girl I am currently causally dating ("A") shows no interest in a more intimate relationship.
My mind clearly sees the better choice as A for a lot reasons but my past feelings for B aren't letting it go that easily! Ultimately I think you are right, it comes down to the fact that A has been there for me consistently over the past 6 years with no major breaches of trust etc as opposed to B who I haven't had any major contact with for almost two years and who hurt and violated by trust.
I forgot to mention it but I did tell B that while I was not 100% opposed to the idea of getting back together in the distant future, I told her any possibility was very slim due to several reasons with one being the fact that I am currently casually dating someone.
Right now A is out of town visiting her family for the next week so I will have some down time to keep thinking and praying about this and will hopefully have a clearer understanding of the situation within the next few weeks!
What i can advise for you ( i think i am not even qualified to give an advise, but teehee, giving one anyway ) is that make sure of your current bestfriend's feeling for you, it might just be fondness or anything mistaken for something romantic. Just make sure your intentions are known to her and see what she thinks about it and will do about it. And pray. Don't rush. I'd go for someone who can cook better though :eat: :eat:
I have been in similar (not the same) circumstances. My suggestion is to ask God to make it very, very, PERFECTLY clear to you what you should do. And then..... (the hard part) ..... do not act or make decisions until you hear from Him. Continue to be friends and talk to both. But nothing more until you hear from God.
My suggestion only. I think you'lll make the right choice. And be sure to let us know how it turns out!
Ask God to help you examine your past relationship with "B", and consider what the relationship and emotions were built upon - was the relationship built upon sandy soil? Or had Christ been the Author and Perfecter of the relationship - had it been built upon The Rock?
"Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it" Psalm 127:1
When relationships and emotions are built upon sandy soil, they are inherently destined to collapse. When they do collapse, it may be a display of God's mercy - not allowing one of His children to build something that will not last.
"True" emotions between two people will naturally occur as they build together for the Kingdom of God...
