Author	Thread: Taking care of an aging parent
Bobby1123 View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 7 Sep, 2010 09:07 AM I'm 42, never been married, and have no children. Two years ago my father passed away and instead of putting my mom in a senior home (like most of my family wanted), I sold my home and moved back in with her so she could spend her last few years in the comfort of her own home. This seems to be a major "deal breaker" in finding a good woman on this site. Women will start writing to me, but when I tell them about my situation, I never hear from them again. My house is actually a double home, so I have complete privacy while still being able to help my mom out. I guess doing the right thing has limited my ability to find a wife and build a family. Any thoughts on this?? Bobby1123 Post Reply
View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 7 Sep, 2010 10:00 AM Bobby, I think what you're doing is admirable and is a sign that you are willing to put others' needs ahead of your own. While this is a very important quality in marriage, perhaps the problem here is that the women you speak to perceive that you would your mother's needs ahead of hers, or even that she just may have to "share" the spotlight. This is maybe similar to what guys go through who have children... Keep in mind that not all women have come from good home lives or have godly parents... For me, if a guy says he lives with his parent(s) and that I'd be expected to move in there after the wedding, that would strike a lot of fear in my heart. It immediately makes me think of what life was like when I lived with my parents and makes me want to run.... But, I do think that a mature woman in the Lord won't run off. She'll get more details. She'll pray about it. She'll ask for counsel. Someone who closes off communication with you because of 1 thing they don't like is possibly not mature enough for marriage. Not that we should marry people we don't like... LOL But that we should recognize that people aren't perfect and life isn't perfect and that if any of us wants to get married, we're going to be marrying flawed people who may have lives we see as flawed and that we'll have flawed marriages. What I mean, I guess, is that some people are too picky, if that makes sense. Post Reply
DontHitThatMark View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 7 Sep, 2010 11:10 AM Well, when you find someone that will handle it all, then you know you've found a good one. Just don't lose patience. :peace::peace: Post Reply
springrose10 View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 7 Sep, 2010 11:13 AM I don't know about the young girls... Women have a "nesting" instinct. Their home is their nest. Each woman has her own style, like in her clothing. Some women are tidy, some are messy. But very very few women want to have another woman tell them how to run their nest. Often times, that is where wives and mother-in-laws lock horns. I had my mother-in-law move into my home. She didn't try to take over the house, but she did not respect my authority when it came to my daughter. I would specifically ask her not to do certain things in front of my daughter and she would ignore me. My mother-in-law was in essence teaching my daughter that she didn't have to obey Mommy when grandma was around and ended up teaching her how to be sneaky so Mom wouldn't catch them. It caused great fights between my husband and I. Mother's don't easily give up their influence in their son's lives. The elderly tend to regress in maturity after a certain point. My mother-in-law and I got along fine until our daughter arrived. Course she didn't live with us before that either. So, if I was looking to marry and start a family...a man living with his mom would be a red flag for me. My boyfriend is a former nurse and does a lot to take care of his aging parents, but he doesn't live with them nor does he want to. I wouldn't be surprised if he built a guest house in the backyard, but I can't see him moving them in. On a different front. Some women see men who live with parent's as lacking ambition and question the man's desire to provide. In your case, that would be false. Did you give the reason why you are with your Mom in your profile like you did here? Just some thoughts, Rose Post Reply
Tulip89 View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 7 Sep, 2010 02:13 PM Honestly, you're probably better off not bringing it up quickly. Women you're talking to don't need to know that yet. Also, be careful how you word it. "My elderly mother lives next to me," sounds a whole lot better than, "I had to move in with my mom," but they mean the same thing. Post Reply
View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 7 Sep, 2010 06:00 PM Nice suggestion, Tulip! =) and agree with what others say. Btw, Bob, while it seems like a very rare thing you guys have there, it is very common here (most Asian countries) to live in with more than one family. FYI =) so, I believe it's not something that impossible. Post Reply
View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 7 Sep, 2010 08:07 PM I have a similiar -- though not exact -- living situation "problem". I've chased a few guys away because of it. I made my choice, and I know (I know I know) it is and was the right choice for me and I don't regret it. If a man doesn't like it and I don't hear from him ----- I thank God for protecting me. You made your choice. It sounds like it was the right one. Don't hide the truth of your living situation. Pray about when to bring it up with a woman. Stand by your choice. Post Reply
cmseeker10 View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 8 Sep, 2010 04:30 AM Hi Bobby, Here in Asia ,It's a noble deed to help your parents or live with them .Most of us take care of our elders.But living and letting your mom dictate what you do is another thing,and I know for sure it doesn't apply to your case,because that's what scares us women...I can't speak for all this is just another thought.. Post Reply
Bobby1123 View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 8 Sep, 2010 10:38 AM Thank you all for your comments. This has been a very challenging situation for me. I have been on my own my whole life. I definitely did not make this decision to benefit myself. I've always been very ambitious. I am more than able to provide for a family and build a life with the right woman. I guess I will just have to trust in God and know that he will send me someone who will understand and accept what I've taken on for the time being. Thanks again.. Bobby1123 Post Reply
View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 8 Sep, 2010 05:16 PM I personally wouldn't have a problem with it in a situation such as yours. If a man had never left home to live on his own ever, and was over 40, it would raise some red flags for sure. Post Reply
View Profile History	Taking care of an aging parent Posted : 8 Sep, 2010 05:21 PM I may have to move in with my mother temporarily soon due to her forgetfulness, for safety issues. I've been considering the possibility any way. Nursing homes are SO expensive! Looking after one's parents is not only honorable and biblical (as in showing honor and respect for them) but it is a good role model for our children, no matter what their ages are. Someday, WE may need someone to move in with us to care for us. Post Reply

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