Thread: What is the preferred length of a first message?
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What is the preferred length of a first message?
Posted : 4 Jun, 2011 05:30 AM
Whenever I read a profile and decide I want to send somebody a message, I do it.
Usually, I'll send a message that relates to my understanding of some element of the profile, whatever I found interesting, and whatever I think might be able to spin off into a conversation.
Often, I will write a paragraph, sometimes more depending on how much my mind wanders as I forge the words and absently transcribe them onto this little, white box here.
If somebody replies to a complex message I send, it's always some sort of single sentence line that displays an interest and a willingness to continue the conversation, but nothing in the manner of following up on the actual message. It's always, "Wow! lol. Hi."
And I'm talking about English speaking girls here, usually with profiles that denote clear thinking and effective writing abilities (I rarely email somebody who clearly can't write. When I have done so, as expected, I cannot effectively communicate or, who could guess, I don't get a reply back).
So, I'll try to keep conversations alive, and the girl will always reply without contributing until I'm all worn out and the conversation has been utterly strangled. Then I just give up.
In other instances, I'll just send some simply, prickly message. Those are less likely to get a response, but sometimes I'll get lucky. I'll see that a girl's race is mixed and ask, you know, "So I can't figure out what your race is either."
I could go on to describe the compilation of country affiliations that conglomerate to create my "mutt" status or I could just throw the simple line.
If they ever do respond to a one-liner, it's usually a one-liner reply that can evolve into a better discussion, surprisingly.
So tell me, women, which length do you prefer in your emails? Do you want to read a detailed mini-essay/speech/introduction that will give you multiple angles for continuing a conversation, whether or not you choose to use any of them?
Or do you prefer a quick line that is easily replied to, although nearly devoid of depth?
And while I'm asking questions: If the latter is your choice, when, generally, throughout the online relationship, are you ever actually going to be ready to discuss things that will contribute to the continuation of a relationship(not a romantic relationship. An interpersonal relationship)?
The best message I've gotten was a one liner because it made me laugh. When I first became a member, I had no idea what to put in a profile so I just wrote, "More to come". My favorite message was, "Hurry up!". Haha! I replied, "Excuse me?". He said, "I've been waiting for you to finish your profile so I could start a conversation. I'd appreciate it if you'd give me something to talk about." I thought that was hilarious!! Haha! Since then, we're still friends even outside this site. :)
For me, his one liner worked because he had a detailed profile that also made me laugh. The tips Tulip listed in his recent thread hold true for me. I love to laugh so if a guy is funny right out of the box, that's bonus points. :)
The best message I ever got was within a couple weeks of joining this site...it wasn't all that unique, but it was good! Here it is:
"You and I actually seem to have a lot in common. If you are interested, I think it would be fun to chat. I teach music at a local high school, so sometimes it is hard for me to get internet time in the fall. However, I definitely do respond to messages. Anyway, let me know if you'd like to visit sometime."
Yep. That was it. I did decide to chat/visit, and after exchanging a few messages, we moved to the IM on this site, then to facebook, then Skype, then phone, and a year later we finally met in person (and have plans to meet again this weekend). We never dated (unfortunately, there are 800 or so miles between us), but we got to be good friends.
Brown eyed girl: You're probably right, but it's hard to be funny all the time or right off the bat. Especially with text. Without speech intonation or an understanding of the other person or the other person having an understanding of me, humor is very hard to pull off. There's infinite cases of misunderstanding. Gotta be substance with me or else I get bored.
Dennis: I understood the significance of the first line. After that, I was totally lost.
Bc: ok. That sounds really way too simple.
Man though. I'm just upset. Before, the hard part has always been getting a reply. I got 4 girls that I ain't messaging back because the conversation is just totally dead. And if I'm a guy and I don't want to continue the schtick after actually getting a girl's attention, iunno. What's left? You know?
I guess it's a matter of personal preferences really.
If a girl does not reply to your witty one-liner or to any kind of reference you make regarding her profile, well, I know it can be frustrating, but hey - it's the best sign that you have to move on and find a girl, who will! :)
As for the messages I get:
I definitely DISLIKE messages like 'Hey, how are you? wanna be friends?' Yeah right. I will be his BFF right off the hook, even though his profile says absolutely nothing about the guy and he's got no pictures. Pathetic.
On the other hand - a thousand-word-long philosophical dessertation won't do either :)
So - everything in the right proportions, plus prayer and patience :)
I think the issue here is that maybe you are coming across as arrogant in your messages. Just from reading your message on here I could come to the conclusion that you are a little arrogant. To say that you won't message someone who clearly can't write suggests that you believe that you are better than someone based on their level of spelling etc.
I hope I am wrong but it is just my impression of you.
I do judge everybody's grasp of grammar and spelling by their writing performance, and I'm not sorry about it.
I get that people are on these sites because they are having a hard time finding somebody to date in their current social circles; however, the medium for communication here is writing and text. If you're bad at it, don't want to deal with it, have difficulty understanding it or refuse to respond to it effectively (or even ineffectively), then it becomes a failed medium for communication or any other purpose.
I don't think I'm arrogant for wanting to have a written conversation over email.
It would probably be weird if I walked into a bar and asked a girl to communicate with me on paper, but this isn't a bar. This is a website where the only way to communicate is through words, and I'm grossed out by how it just isn't happening. I can't be the only person trying here. It just- it shouldn't even be trying. I shouldn't be trying. I should be expressing myself.
I thought this would be a place where I could meet a Christian girl, since asking girls out anywhere else is like playing the slots when it comes to stumbling on a Christian girl.
The best message I have received since joining was a longer message. The individual told me about himself and asked me more detailed questions about my beliefs, interests, and work. In my opinion, a longer message shows that the writer put forth some effort, and I really appreciate that effort, especially if the writer uses correct grammar and spelling! :)
I must say that even if Tinyfrog does come across somewhat arrogant, I quite agree with him! Why do you try a dating site based on WRITING if you don't know how to write?
Say what you want, but if a native speaker of English writes to me, then of the two of us I am the one who has the right to misspell something or use incorrect grammar (which I sometimes do, can't help it. I will never be a native speaker of English no matter what I do LOL).
So I also find it rather annoying, because I don't know if the person addressing me is being simply disrespectful (can't you use a dictionary? a spell-checker? proof-read your message before you send it?) or they are close to being illiterate. (And to make it clear, I'm not talking about one or two typo's. I mean a whole message impossible to decipher due to typing & grammar errors).
In either case, well... I do respect the person, but it is not likely that God wants me to marry them :)
And you guys, who don't agree with Tinyfrog - don't you want to meet a girl who'd be on a similar intellectual level as you are? who would write things that are understandable?
As for non-native speakers... well... that's a different story I guess. I might start another topic on this :)
